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2/08/2011 4:40:07 PM
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topic:
basic assumption of this whole presentation is tha
wailian
Posts 10
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A good reference for Alternate Lifestyles
A speak given by Laura Antoniou, December 1, 2000
What exactly is the quantity one reason for failure of an S/M relationship?
Lack of consistency. Not failed flogging or lack of fetish wear. Consistency.
Fundamentally, what takes place is that the folks involved within the relationship stop performing the issues that got them thinking about S/M within the initial place.
NOTE: S/M is the term L. A. employed to mean S/M, D/s, BDSM, what ever set of letters you would like for the lifestyle we pick out.
Reality is that each and every relationship will slow down right after the very first flush of excitement wears off. All the Passion, Drama and Emotion that make it exciting at initial, tone down. And all of those are tied up in actions. When the actions quit, the relationship stops. I don??￥t have a magic answer to offer to help keep a relationship alive, but 1 thing that may work could be the creation and maintenance of a protocol. Ahead of we get into that, we should first touch on many of the terms to be utilised.
First: I'm NOT in my 50??￥s or older. I have in no way been inside the Military. And I'm not a gay male that fits each of those descriptions. For that reason, I am not, nor nipple play can I ever have been ???old Guard??à and everyone that says otherwise is wrong.
Second: The basic assumption of this whole presentation is that we're talking about a S/M relationship where there's a Top (Dominant) and a bottom. The bottom is in a state of consensual submission and has agreed to be obedient towards the top.
Etiquette: forms of behavior established by good breeding, or what's prescribed by cultural situations. Standard etiquette. You must know superior manners. Read Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, etc. Get them. Read them. Use them. There is in no way an excuse for poor manners.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
Protocol: The code that prescribes the adherence to the etiquette.
SM Protocol: a program for enacting the behavior inside your relationship. (Which includes the simple etiquette stuff.) A fantastic (and at present the only) reference for alternate lifestyles is:
The Bride Wore Black Leather... and He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell, Donna Barr (Illustrator) /Paperback / Greenery Press / March 2000
An additional good reference comes from a Military Protocol book:
Service Etiquette by Oretha D. Swartz / Hardcover / Naval Institute Press / November 1988
These are excellent books to add to your reference set, proper along side of Emily Post, et al. Basically, ask oneself what attracted you to SM inside the first spot Power? Surrender? The formalisms? The manners? The rituals? Every thing which is carried out in S/M is strengthened, sharpened lesbian bondage and enhanced by etiquette. One of the 1st factors you do is establish a Protocol.
How do you anticipate the submissive to behave, to address you, to dress, to sit, eat, and so on. This is really a model for the relationship. It can be the Tops responsibility to establish the protocol. Don't send your submissive out on the net searching for that ???magic??à protocol that must be followed.
It doesn't exist. By taking somebody else??￥s protocol, you might be basically handing over the control of one's relationship to a person else. Due to the fact that is what protocol is?- the control of the relationship.
Protocols inside a relationship are private and private. You make the guidelines for what is essential to you. In case you take third party protocols and just attempt to make use of those, you're going to guarantee that they are going to be misinterpreted, some will probably be implausible, and other people will just be plain wrong for your relationship. Besides, do you seriously want your submissive to fulfill somebody else??￥s fantasy?
Your fantasy is what need to be the focus. Also, for those who hand the responsibility of developing the protocols over towards the submissive, you're telling the submissive to control
the relationship. That is generally not what the submissive is looking for. They desire to know what pleases you, not just what they are guessing at. Only the dominant can make it suitable.
This doesn't mean you cannot use other data. Definitely borrow (or outright steal) bits and pieces of protocols from other sources that appeal to you. But take just the significant
component and flesh it out with your own style and flavor. Make it your own and move on. Don't just take someone else??￥s protocol ???whole cloth??à and try to make use of it.
But that begs the question?- Where do I get that protocol? Have you ever fantasized about a series of positions you'd like to see your sub perform?
Write them up.
Make it clear.
Be ready to teach penis bondage them and modify them to fit reality.
Read about other styles of protocols. For instance everyone that has ever heard the term ???Old Guard??à has an opinion.
Even so, in the event you think this appeals to you, I advise you read the following two books, and should you like what you read, go for it:
The Leatherman's Handbook by Larry Townsend, John Preston / Paperback / L. T. Publications / November 1994
Genuine Factor by William M. Carney / Paperback / Masquerade Books, Inc. / April 1995
Other sources are John Normans Gor series, the story of O, Ann Rice Beauty series. Just keep in mind that your life just isn't GOR. It truly is yours. Take what you like and make it genuine, but don??￥t try to convince your self you might be from the planet Gor or from Roissery. You aren??￥t. You also don??￥t locate lots of protocol described in my books. The last factor I want is someone to say they are following the Marketplace Location protocol.
There's no such thing.
Developing a Protocol
Initial, take into consideration why are you currently doing this? To establish a relationship? To deepen it? To attempt to repair it? (often repairs don??￥t function simply because by the time you realize you will need to fix it, its too late, but attempt anyway.) Then, think of all the things you want/need the protocol to cover.
Speech:
Discussion habits, the way to address Master / Mistress, tips on how to address other masters and mistresses. How to address tops, bottoms, vanilla persons, other household members. The way to argue. The best way to disagree with Master. The best way to agree with Master. Ways to ask for a favor. How you can ask for sex. How you can request a time out.
Posture:
Tips on how to stand, how you can sit, how to kneel. When and the way to use various positions. Who opens the door. Exactly where do they walk (in front? Behind? Left side? Appropriate?) Describe in detail all the distinctive postures and positions.
Presenting (providing a body portion for use):
Tips on how to do it for pleasure, play, punishment, humiliation, whatever.
Other stuff: when and who they can hug with or with out permission, shake hands, bow. Get you a drink. Serve dinner. Fold the laundry. Hang the clothes. Walk the dog.
Private habits:
When and the way to eat, go towards the bathroom, drink, have sex, use furniture, drive, got to function, dress, get undressed, brush their hair, brush their teeth, exactly where to sleep, what to sleep in, shave, smoke, etc.
Other problems:
Can they carry cash? Use a credit card? Write checks? Can they use the phone, the laptop or computer, plus the fax. Are they allowed to touch their collar with their very own hands? Can they eliminate it? Put it on themselves? How? When?
You can find endless opportunities for developing protocols. Just bear in mind, what exactly is fine in the dungeon within your house or at the leather bar isn't necessarily going to fly in the nearby Walmart or at your Mom??￥s Thanksgiving dinner. Be ready to have multiple levels of protocol. When in private ?- when in semi-public but scene friendly,.. when in Walmart ?- at Moms. Also, be wary of using Always. There is no flexibility. Constantly be naked in my presence just isn't going to function (the folks at Walmart will possibly object). A requirement like which is setup for failure mainly because you'll find exceptions. But.. When at my house, and we're alone, you are going to be naked. Which is a very good solid rule that could be followed.
Standard Question:
Why do it:
The best goals of keeping to a protocol
1. Protocols establish a pattern of a relationship and help define it.
2. to have a quantifiable program to judge the training and good results with the bottom.
a. The Top Have to give feedback. Protocols function since it's two way street. The bottom DOES it. The Leading recognizes it is performed.
b. This way both know specifically what's expected and can follow it
three. Shows off very good manners. Not just out in public, but also privately with one another.
four. Establish and maintains a level of distance in a relationship
a. Distance is needed to help keep the Dominant/submissive dynamic powerful
b. The same protocol also may be utilized to invite intimacy at particular times. (This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
It's essential to enable flexibility within the protocol to let the submissive initiate some things?-such as sex. Your protocol can specify how and when the submissive can express the need/desire for sex with the dominant. Nevertheless, be warned, that in case you give the permission to ask, you will need to be ready to say yes. Every single time you say no, you are hitting at the submissive??￥s self-esteem. You may not need to say yes every time, but it is a fine line between how several times it is possible to say no and when they make a decision you don??￥t care enough and leave. On the other hand, not ever permitting them to ask also sets them up for deciding you don??￥t care and them leaving.
A bonus of letting them ask for sex?- is they now are ???ordered??à to tell you when they want sex. You by no means have to guess once again if they are ???in the mood??à or not.
five. Establish a means for altering the relationship. Include within the protocol a way for the submissive to request a alter. Master, every time I do ???X??à I feel bad?-or angry?-or resentful.. or bored?-or whatever. Is it possible to alter ???X??à or delete it. Once more, this obligates you to pay attention. If the submissive in fact requests that one thing be changed, you should change it.
Think about the reasons for the alter and also determine if ???X??à is some thing you feel is definitely important. If yes, obtain a technique to make it acceptable to the bottom. If not, then change or delete it as essential. In this way, your protocol will alter and grow and turn out to be more and more tailored to your personal
relationship with that certain submissive. Remember?- the protocol has to function for each of you. If the submissive is discovering it unworkable, then the submissive will leave. In case you don??￥t find it meets your requirements, you are going to ignore it, plus the submissive will feel you don??￥t care, plus the submissive will leave. Protocols take effort. It truly is worth it, however it just isn't an easy ride for either partner.
Where to begin:
1. Start off by determining what style of relationship you need.
Is it a service relationship?
Is it primarily a sexual one?
Is it Daddy/girl or Master/slave?
What behaviors and mannerisms turn you on.
This is for both Tops and Bottoms. Be CLEAR about what turns you on.If what you want would be to be Jeeves?-have a suite and silver tray, say so. In case you ought to be dressed in a French Maid outfit with nipple cut outs, be particular. If you would like your submissive to be June Cleaver incarnate, tell her. Should you be not precise, you won??￥t get what you would like.
Evaluate your own interests, and also the impact of reality.
Negotiate all aspects with the Protocol. Protocols handle the emotions as well as the mind. Feelings is usually hurt and the bruises last a lot longer than the physical ones. The mental stuff is the hardest You need to negotiate and discuss the protocols to ensure that you uncover the proper person for you.
Best Info:
Tops, be specific.
Not: I anticipate respect at all times. Duh?
Instead: I are going to be addressed as XXX when we're at residence.
I will likely be addressed as YYY when at the club
I will be addressed as ZZZ in vanilla public.
In this way you've determined what you would like specifically, and your bottom now has a clear concept of tips on how to please you. It can be finest to begin very commonly, and then get precise.
The bottom will show appreciation for any attention received, whether or not for punishment or pleasure.
The bottom will say ???Thank you Mistress??à then kiss boots
When kneeling to kiss boots, legs are spread and butt high in air
Kiss first the left boot, outside edge, inside edge, then right boot outside edge, then inside edge.
Just after kissing boots back up, spot head on floor and wait recognition.
But! Be cautious not to obtain too detailed to rapidly. Very first get started using the common. Then add the detail of kneeling to kiss boots. Then add the detail for the best way to kiss the boots. Permit the protocol (ritual) to create naturally, but document the procedure as you go, to ensure that you'll both know what's critical and what isn??￥t. You would like the development of one's protocol to be an exciting and nurturing encounter, and for it to be organic. It is going to grow and change and develop together with your relationship, generating sexual bondage it stronger and deeper.
Recognize that your Protocol WILL change. It truly is superior to start having a couple of easy rules of behavior, possibly
Then soon after those are mastered, add five much more. Plus depth towards the initial 5. Make the addition of new guidelines a reward for having mastered the first ones. Don??￥t hand a new submissive a 30 page document and say, start doing all this on Monday. It won??￥t function, it is going to be overwhelming and there's nothing enjoyable about flipping by means of a manual attempting to figure out what to do next.. Also, you can not anticipate best obedience. You might be commanding behavior from a human becoming. Not a machine. And sometimes?- there has to be down time. Every protocol must have a way, inside the protocol, to request a technique to be excused from the Protocol. This is often a release valve. Again, it really is virtually axiomatic that the dominant Need to practically usually grant such a request. But the value of it can be that by granting this request, the protocol is really nonetheless in spot. By not granting it, you run the risk that the stress that brought on the want for the request in the first spot will force the submissive to make a decision to just chuck it all anyway.
Note I did say Nearly always. Sometimes, by asking for the release, the submissive is also asking for help. If the dominant can relieve the reason the sub requested the time out, it can be attainable to in fact deny the request but in a positive way. A fantastic, effectively written protocol will permit flexibility for each partners. If the submissive, for what ever reason, feels a ought to be released from the protocol, the mere truth of requesting the release in a specific way, and being granted it according to the protocol, really preserves the protocol?-..it can be nonetheless becoming ???observed??à even during the time out, and provides a sense of security and continuity during that time period. Also, there is nothing wrong with telling the submissive?- you get the time out, but your penalty for it is nipple play actually that following the time out, you will need to do ???X??à to create up for the lack of protocol throughout this time.
Be creative.
Uncover approaches to keep it meaningful.
Note: Roles of Protocol don't only belong towards the bottom.
Protocol applies towards the Dominant at the same time, and need to contain behavior with the Best. The guidelines may well specify that the Best is polite at all times, or crude and hurtful. But the rules should be there for both?-specify what You can be performing.
Bear in mind, your Protocol is YOURS and yours only.
You cannot anticipate others to follow your protocol, even if they know it.
Write your protocols out, not as a contract but as a guide book. This is beneficial for both Dom and sub. Who forgets the precise protocols initially? The dominant. Bottoms don??￥t maintain protocol out of fear of punishment but for the reason that they Would like to be pleasing to their Dom. They don??￥t just ???stop??à observing protocol for the heck of it. They quit primarily for the reason that the Tops fail to
NOTICE.
When the Leading fails to notice/react, then he doesn??￥t care.. As the Dominant, you must be involved. You've established it. You must maintain it. You reward excellent behavior, and punish bad. And modify the guidelines when needed.
For the Bottoms:
In the event you stop performing some thing needed of your protocol, and your leading doesn??￥t notice, it can be your right and responsibility to bring this to the Master??￥s attention?- in a respectful way, according to your protocol.
All protocols should supply a way for the submissive to bring something up that requirements to be discussed with out fear of reprisal. Also, often Tops understand that they stopped noticing something, and if that takes place, it is far better to say ???I??￥ve noticed you may have stopped doing X.??à On the other hand, keep in mind that at this point, you can not punish for it. For those who have not noticed for a month that she isn't kneeling prior to acquiring into bed, then right now, you notice it?-. You can??￥t punish her retroactively. Instead take ownership with the difficulty, acknowledge your portion (lack of noticing indicates it has become much less than meaningful to you also) after which brainstorm together what you'll be able to do to avoid it from happening once again. Bottoms are responsible to obey you, but you (the leading) are responsible for noticing that obedience (or lack) and following via.
In case you have noticed one thing has become neglected or is getting performed by rote rather of with genuine meaning or that you simply personally now discover boring to watch the submissive perform it ???yet again??à, it truly is time to re-evaluate the reason for that action, and either modify it or drop it entirely. It really is this procedure that assists keep the protocol alive and responsive towards the relationship, and therefore meaningful. When it stops becoming meaningful, the relationship is on the skids. It has turn into merely a mouth gags series of actions rather of a deep bond.
Constantly bear in mind that your private protocol is YOURS and yours alone. You could have to explain them to an individual, but you must get respect regardless of their acceptance of your protocol or not. When within your home, I??￥ll obey your protocol, or I leave. You do the same for me in mine. This is the essence of simple etiquette. No one else knows your protocol. Don??￥t anticipate them to. Don??￥t attempt to make them follow your guidelines. This is YOURS. Maintain it for you along with the ones inside your S/M relationship. Maintain the relationship alive and interesting. As with all relationships, it needs work. But the outcomes are extremely rewarding.
Cecelia took these notes on December 1, 2000, as a service to Sir David, at a presentation by Laura Antoniou in Austin, Texas. They are published and provided to interested men and women with
Laura??gracious permission. (See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
|
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2/08/2011 4:39:37 PM
|
topic:
help keep a relationship alive, but 1 thing
wailian
Posts 10
|
SM Protocol
A speak given by Laura Antoniou, December 1, 2000
What exactly is the quantity one reason for failure of an S/M relationship?
Lack of consistency. Not failed flogging or lack of fetish wear. Consistency.
Fundamentally, what takes place is that the folks involved within the relationship stop performing the issues that got them thinking about S/M within the initial place.
NOTE: S/M is the term L. A. employed to mean S/M, D/s, BDSM, what ever set of letters you would like for the lifestyle we pick out.
Reality is that each and every relationship will lesbian bondage slow down right after the very first flush of excitement wears off. All the Passion, Drama and Emotion that make it exciting at initial, tone down. And all of those are tied up in actions. When the actions quit, the relationship stops. I don??￥t have a magic answer to offer to help keep a relationship alive, but 1 thing that may work could be the creation and maintenance of a protocol. Ahead of we get into that, we should first touch on many of the terms to be utilised.
First: I'm NOT in my 50??￥s or older. I have in no way been inside the Military. And I'm not a gay male that fits each of those descriptions. For that reason, I am not, nor can I ever have been ???old Guard??à and everyone that says otherwise is wrong.
Second: The basic assumption of this whole presentation is sexual bondage that we're talking about a S/M relationship where there's a Top (Dominant) and a bottom. The bottom is in a state of consensual submission and has agreed to be obedient towards the top.
Etiquette: forms of behavior established by good breeding, or what's prescribed by cultural situations. Standard etiquette. You must know superior manners. Read Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, etc. Get them. Read them. Use them. There is in no way an excuse for poor manners.
Protocol: The code that prescribes the adherence to the etiquette.
SM Protocol: a program for enacting the behavior inside your relationship. (Which includes the simple etiquette stuff.) A fantastic (and at present the only) reference for alternate lifestyles is:
The Bride Wore Black Leather... and He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell, Donna Barr (Illustrator) /Paperback / Greenery Press / March 2000
An additional good reference comes from a Military Protocol book:
Service Etiquette by Oretha D. Swartz / Hardcover / Naval Institute Press / November 1988
These are excellent books to add to your reference set, proper penis gag along side of Emily Post, et al. Basically, ask oneself what attracted you to SM inside the first spot Power? Surrender? The formalisms? The manners? The rituals? Every thing which is carried out in S/M is strengthened, sharpened and enhanced by etiquette. One of the 1st factors you do is establish a Protocol.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
How do you anticipate the submissive to behave, to address you, to dress, to sit, eat, and so on. This is really a model for the relationship. It can be the Tops responsibility to establish the protocol. Don't send your submissive out on the net searching for that ???magic??à protocol that must be followed.
It doesn't exist. By taking somebody else??￥s protocol, you might be basically handing over the control of one's relationship to a person else. Due to the fact that is what protocol is?- the control of the relationship.
Protocols inside a relationship are private and private. You make the guidelines for what is essential to you. In case you take third party protocols and just attempt to make use of those, you're going to guarantee that they are going to be misinterpreted, some will probably be implausible, and other people will just be plain wrong for your relationship. Besides, do you seriously want your submissive to fulfill somebody else??￥s fantasy?
Your fantasy is what need to be the focus. Also, for those who hand the responsibility of developing the protocols over towards the submissive, you're telling the submissive to control
the relationship. That is generally not what the submissive is looking for. They desire to know what pleases you, not just what they are guessing at. Only the dominant can make it suitable.
This doesn't mean you cannot use other data. Definitely nipple play borrow (or outright steal) bits and pieces of protocols from other sources that appeal to you. But take just the significant
component and flesh it out with your own style and flavor. Make it your own and move on. Don't just take someone else??￥s protocol ???whole cloth??à and try to make use of it.
But that begs the question?- Where do I get that protocol? Have you ever fantasized about a series of positions you'd like to see your sub perform?
Write them up.
Make it clear.
Be ready to teach them and modify them to fit reality.
Read about other styles of protocols. For instance everyone mouth gags that has ever heard the term ???Old Guard??à has an opinion.
Even so, in the event you think this appeals to you, I advise you read the following two books, and should you like what you read, go for it:
The Leatherman's Handbook by Larry Townsend, John Preston / Paperback / L. T. Publications / November 1994
Genuine Factor by William M. Carney / Paperback / Masquerade Books, Inc. / April 1995
Other sources are John Normans Gor series, the story of O, Ann Rice Beauty series. Just keep in mind that your life just isn't GOR. It truly is yours. Take what you like and make it genuine, but don??￥t try to convince your self you might be from the planet Gor or from Roissery. You aren??￥t. You also don??￥t locate lots of protocol described in my books. The last factor I want is someone to say they are following the Marketplace Location protocol.
There's no such thing.
Developing a Protocol
Initial, take into consideration why are you currently doing this? To establish a relationship? To deepen it? To attempt to repair it? (often repairs don??￥t function simply because by penis bondage the time you realize you will need to fix it, its too late, but attempt anyway.) Then, think of all the things you want/need the protocol to cover.
Speech:
Discussion habits, the way to address Master / Mistress, tips on how to address other masters and mistresses. How to address tops, bottoms, vanilla persons, other household members. The way to argue. The best way to disagree with Master. The best way to agree with Master. Ways to ask for a favor. How you can ask for sex. How you can request a time out.
Posture:
Tips on how to stand, how you can sit, how to kneel. When and the way to use various positions. Who opens the door. Exactly where do they walk (in front? Behind? Left side? Appropriate?) Describe in detail all the distinctive postures and positions.
Presenting (providing a body portion for use):
Tips on how to do it for pleasure, play, punishment, humiliation, whatever.
Other stuff: when and who they can hug with or with out permission, shake hands, bow. Get you a drink. Serve dinner. Fold the laundry. Hang the clothes. Walk the dog.
Private habits:
When and the way to eat, go towards the bathroom, drink, have sex, use furniture, drive, got to function, dress, get undressed, brush their hair, brush their teeth, exactly where to sleep, what to sleep in, shave, smoke, etc.
Other problems:
Can they carry cash? Use a credit card? Write checks? Can they use the phone, the laptop or computer, plus the fax. Are they allowed to touch their collar with their very own hands? Can they eliminate it? Put it on themselves? How? When?
You can find endless opportunities for developing protocols. Just bear in mind, what exactly is fine in the dungeon within your house or at the leather bar isn't necessarily going to fly in the nearby Walmart or at your Mom??￥s Thanksgiving dinner. Be ready to have multiple levels of protocol. When in private ?- when in semi-public but scene friendly,.. when in Walmart ?- at Moms. Also, be wary of using Always. There is no flexibility. Constantly be naked in my presence just isn't going to function (the folks at Walmart will possibly object). A requirement like which is setup for failure mainly because you'll find exceptions. But.. When at my house, and we're alone, you are going to be naked. Which is a very good solid rule that could be followed.
Standard Question:
Why do it:
The best goals of keeping to a protocol
1. Protocols establish a pattern of a relationship and help define it.
2. to have a quantifiable program to judge the training and good results with the bottom.
a. The Top Have to give feedback. Protocols function since it's two way street. The bottom DOES it. The Leading recognizes it is performed.
b. This way both know specifically what's expected and can follow it
three. Shows off very good manners. Not just out in public, but also privately with one another.
four. Establish and maintains a level of distance in a relationship
a. Distance is needed to help keep the Dominant/submissive dynamic powerful
b. The same protocol also may be utilized to invite intimacy at particular times.
It's essential to enable flexibility within the protocol to let the submissive initiate some things?-such as sex. Your protocol can specify how and when the submissive can express the need/desire for sex with the dominant. Nevertheless, be warned, that in case you give the permission to ask, you will need to be ready to say yes. Every single time you say no, you are hitting at the submissive??￥s self-esteem. You may not need to say yes every time, but it is a fine line between how several times it is possible to say no and when they make a decision you don??￥t care enough and leave. On the other hand, not ever permitting them to ask also sets them up for deciding you don??￥t care and them leaving.
A bonus of letting them ask for sex?- is they now are ???ordered??à to tell you when they want sex. You by no means have to guess once again if they are ???in the mood??à or not.
five. Establish a means for altering the relationship. Include within the protocol a way for the submissive to request a alter. Master, every time I do ???X??à I feel bad?-or angry?-or resentful.. or bored?-or whatever. Is it possible to alter ???X??à or delete it. Once more, this obligates you to pay attention. If the submissive in fact requests that one thing be changed, you should change it.
Think about the reasons for the alter and also determine if ???X??à is some thing you feel is definitely important. If yes, obtain a technique to make it acceptable to the bottom. If not, then change or delete it as essential. In this way, your protocol will alter and grow and turn out to be more and more tailored to your personal
relationship with that certain submissive. Remember?- the protocol has to function for each of you. If the submissive is discovering it unworkable, then the submissive will leave. In case you don??￥t find it meets your requirements, you are going to ignore it, plus the submissive will feel you don??￥t care, plus the submissive will leave. Protocols take effort. It truly is worth it, however it just isn't an easy ride for either partner.
(This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
Where to begin:
1. Start off by determining what style of relationship you need.
Is it a service relationship?
Is it primarily a sexual one?
Is it Daddy/girl or Master/slave?
What behaviors and mannerisms turn you on.
This is for both Tops and Bottoms. Be CLEAR about what turns you on.If what you want would be to be Jeeves?-have a suite and silver tray, say so. In case you ought to be dressed in a French Maid outfit with nipple cut outs, be particular. If you would like your submissive to be June Cleaver incarnate, tell her. Should you be not precise, you won??￥t get what you would like.
Evaluate your own interests, and also the impact of reality.
Negotiate all aspects with the Protocol. Protocols handle the emotions as well as the mind. Feelings is usually hurt and the bruises last a lot longer than the physical ones. The mental stuff is the hardest You need to negotiate and discuss the protocols to ensure that you uncover the proper person for you.
Best Info:
Tops, be specific.
Not: I anticipate respect at all times. Duh?
Instead: I are going to be addressed as XXX when we're at residence.
I will likely be addressed as YYY when at the club
I will be addressed as ZZZ in vanilla public.
In this way you've determined what you would like specifically, and your bottom now has a clear concept of tips on how to please you. It can be finest to begin very commonly, and then get precise.
The bottom will show appreciation for any attention received, whether or not for punishment or pleasure.
The bottom will say ???Thank you Mistress??à then kiss boots
When kneeling to kiss boots, legs are spread and butt high in air
Kiss first the left boot, outside edge, inside edge, then right boot outside edge, then inside edge.
Just after kissing boots back up, spot head on floor and wait recognition.
But! Be cautious not to obtain too detailed to rapidly. Very first get started using the common. Then add the detail of kneeling to kiss boots. Then add the detail for the best way to kiss the boots. Permit the protocol (ritual) to create naturally, but document the procedure as you go, to ensure that you'll both know what's critical and what isn??￥t. You would like the development of one's protocol to be an exciting and nurturing encounter, and for it to be organic. It is going to grow and change and develop together with your relationship, generating it stronger and deeper.
Recognize that your Protocol WILL change. It truly is superior to start having a couple of easy rules of behavior, possibly
Then soon after those are mastered, add five much more. Plus depth towards the initial 5. Make the addition of new guidelines a reward for having mastered the first ones. Don??￥t hand a new submissive a 30 page document and say, start doing all this on Monday. It won??￥t function, it is going to be overwhelming and there's nothing enjoyable about flipping by means of a manual attempting to figure out what to do next.. Also, you can not anticipate best obedience. You might be commanding behavior from a human becoming. Not a machine. And sometimes?- there has to be down time. Every protocol must have a way, inside the protocol, to request a technique to be excused from the Protocol. This is often a release valve. Again, it really is virtually axiomatic that the dominant Need to practically usually grant such a request. But the value of it can be that by granting this request, the protocol is really nonetheless in spot. By not granting it, you run the risk that the stress that brought on the want for the request in the first spot will force the submissive to make a decision to just chuck it all anyway.
Note I did say Nearly always. Sometimes, by asking for the release, the submissive is also asking for help. If the dominant can relieve the reason the sub requested the time out, it can be attainable to in fact deny the request but in a positive way. A fantastic, effectively written protocol will permit flexibility for each partners. If the submissive, for what ever reason, feels a ought to be released from the protocol, the mere truth of requesting the release in a specific way, and being granted it according to the protocol, really preserves the protocol?-..it can be nonetheless becoming ???observed??à even during the time out, and provides a sense of security and continuity during that time period. Also, there is nothing wrong with telling the submissive?- you get the time out, but your penalty for it is actually that following the time out, you will need to do ???X??à to create up for the lack of protocol throughout this time.
Be creative.
Uncover approaches to keep it meaningful.
Note: Roles of Protocol don't only belong towards the bottom.
Protocol applies towards the Dominant at the same time, and need to contain behavior with the Best. The guidelines may well specify that the Best is polite at all times, or crude and hurtful. sexual bondage But the rules should be there for both?-specify what You can be performing.
Bear in mind, your Protocol is YOURS and yours only.
You cannot anticipate others to follow your protocol, even if they know it.
Write your protocols out, not as a contract but as a guide book. This is beneficial for both Dom and sub. Who forgets the precise protocols initially? The dominant. Bottoms don??￥t maintain protocol out of fear of punishment but for the reason that they Would like to be pleasing to their Dom. They don??￥t just ???stop??à observing protocol for the heck of it. They quit primarily for the reason that the Tops fail to
NOTICE.
When the Leading fails to notice/react, then he doesn??￥t care.. As the Dominant, you must be involved. You've established it. You must maintain it. You reward excellent behavior, and punish bad. And modify the guidelines when needed.
For the Bottoms:
In the event you stop performing some thing needed of your protocol, and your leading doesn??￥t notice, it can be your right and responsibility to bring this to the Master??￥s attention?- in a respectful way, according to your protocol.
All protocols should supply a way for the submissive to bring something up that requirements to be discussed with out fear of reprisal. Also, often Tops understand that they stopped noticing something, and if that takes place, it is far better to say ???I??￥ve noticed you may have stopped doing X.??à On the other hand, keep in mind that at this point, you can not punish for it. For those who have not noticed for a month that she isn't kneeling prior to acquiring into bed, then right now, you notice it?-. You can??￥t punish her retroactively. Instead take ownership with the difficulty, acknowledge your portion (lack of noticing indicates it has become much less than meaningful to you also) after which brainstorm together what you'll be able to do to avoid it from happening once again. Bottoms are responsible to obey you, but you (the leading) are responsible for noticing that obedience (or lack) and following via.
In case you have noticed one thing has become neglected or is getting performed by rote rather of with genuine meaning or that you simply personally now discover boring to watch the submissive perform it ???yet again??à, it truly is time to re-evaluate the reason for that action, and either modify it or mouth gags drop it entirely. It really is this procedure that assists keep the protocol alive and responsive towards the relationship, and therefore meaningful. When it stops becoming meaningful, the relationship is on the skids. It has turn into merely a series of actions rather of a deep bond.
Constantly bear in mind that your private protocol is YOURS and yours alone. You could have to explain them to an individual, but you must get respect regardless of their acceptance of your protocol or not. When within your home, I??￥ll obey your protocol, or I leave. You do the same for me in mine. This is the essence of simple etiquette. No one else knows your protocol. Don??￥t anticipate them to. Don??￥t attempt to make them follow your guidelines. This is YOURS. Maintain it for you along with the ones inside your S/M relationship. Maintain the relationship alive and interesting. As with all relationships, it needs work. But the outcomes are extremely rewarding.
Cecelia took these notes on December 1, 2000, as a service to Sir David, at a presentation by Laura Antoniou in Austin, Texas. They are published and provided to interested men and women with
Laura??￥s gracious permission.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
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2/08/2011 4:39:12 PM
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topic:
to initially touch on a few of the terms
wailian
Posts 10
|
What is the number one reason for failure of an S/M relationship?
A talk given by Laura Antoniou, December 1, 2000
What is the quantity 1 reason for failure of an S/M relationship?
Lack of consistency. Not failed flogging or lack of fetish wear. Consistency.
Essentially, what takes place is that the individuals penis bondage nvolved within the relationship stop doing the points that got them interested in S/M within the initially place.
NOTE: S/M is the term L. A. employed to mean S/M, D/s, BDSM, what ever set of letters you need for the way of life we pick out.
Reality is that every single relationship will slow down soon after the first flush of excitement wears off. All the Passion, Drama and Emotion that make it exciting at 1st, tone down. And all of those are tied up in actions. When the actions quit, the relationship stops. I don??￥t have a magic solution to present to keep a relationship alive, but one thing which can function will be the creation and upkeep of a protocol. Prior to we get into that, we need to initially touch on a few of the terms to be utilised.
First: I'm NOT in my 50??￥s or older. I've never been within the Military. And I'm not a gay male that fits each of those descriptions. For that reason, I'm not, nor can I ever have been ???old Guard??à and any individual that says otherwise is wrong.
Second: The standard assumption of this whole presentation is that we are talking about a S/M relationship where there is a Leading (Dominant) plus a bottom. The bottom is in a state of consensual submission and has agreed to be obedient towards the best.
Etiquette: forms of behavior established by beneficial breeding, or what's prescribed by cultural scenarios. Basic etiquette. You must know beneficial manners. Read Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, and so on. Get them. Read them. Use them. There is never an excuse for bad manners.
Protocol: The code that prescribes the adherence towards the etiquette.
SM Protocol: a strategy for enacting the behavior inside your relationship. (Which includes the simple etiquette stuff.) A fantastic (and at the moment the only) reference for alternate lifestyles is:
The Bride Wore Black Leather... and He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell, Donna Barr (Illustrator) /Paperback / Greenery Press / March 2000
A different excellent reference comes from a Military Protocol book:
Service Etiquette by Oretha D. Swartz / Hardcover / Naval Institute Press / November 1988
These are excellent books to add to your reference set, right along side of Emily Post, et al. Basically, ask your self what attracted you to SM in the 1st place Power? Surrender? The formalisms? The manners? The rituals? Every little thing that's done in S/M is strengthened, sharpened and enhanced by etiquette. One of the 1st items you do is establish a Protocol.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
How do you anticipate the submissive to behave, to address you, to dress, to sit, eat, etc. This is often a model for lesbian bondage the relationship. It can be the Tops responsibility to establish the protocol. Don't send your submissive out on the net seeking that ???magic??à protocol that must be followed.
It doesn't exist. By taking somebody else??￥s protocol, you're essentially handing over the control of one's relationship to someone else. Simply because that is what protocol is?- the control of the relationship.
Protocols inside a relationship are private and personal. You make the guidelines for what is crucial to you. For those who take third party protocols and just attempt to use those, you are going to guarantee that they'll be misinterpreted, some are going to be implausible, and other people will just be plain wrong for your relationship. Besides, do you definitely want your submissive to fulfill a person else??￥s fantasy?
Your fantasy is what should be the focus. Also, for those sm sex who hand the responsibility of creating the protocols over towards the submissive, you might be telling the submissive to control
the relationship. Which is commonly not what the submissive is looking for. They wish to know what pleases you, not just what they are guessing at. Only the dominant can make it correct.
This doesn't mean you can't use other information and facts. Certainly borrow (or outright steal) bits and pieces of protocols from other sources that appeal to you. But take just the critical
portion and flesh it out along with your own style and flavor. Make it your own and move on. Do not just take somebody else??￥s protocol ???whole cloth??à and attempt to utilize it.
But that begs the question?- Exactly where do I get that protocol? Have you ever fantasized about a series of positions you would like to see your sub perform?
Write them up.
Make it clear.
Be prepared to teach them and modify them to fit reality.
Read about other styles of protocols. By way of example every person that has ever heard the term ???Old Guard??à has an opinion.
Having said that, in case you believe this appeals to you, I advise you read the following two books, and in case you like what you read, go for it:
The Leatherman's Handbook by Larry Townsend, John Preston / Paperback / L. T. Publications / November 1994
Real Factor by William M. Carney / Paperback / Masquerade Books, Inc. / April 1995
Other sources are John Normans Gor series, the story of O, Ann Rice Beauty series. Just remember that your life isn't GOR. It can be yours. Take what you like and make it real, but don??￥t try to convince yourself you're from the planet Gor or from Roissery. You aren??￥t. You also don??￥t uncover a lot of protocol described in my books. The last thing I want is someone to say they're following the Marketplace Spot protocol.
There is certainly no such factor.
Producing a Protocol
Initially, consider why are you currently performing this? To slave leash establish a relationship? To deepen it? To try to repair it? (generally repairs don??￥t function since by the time you comprehend you'll need to fix it, its too late, but attempt anyway.) Then, consider all of the points you want/need the protocol to cover.
Speech:
Discussion habits, the way to address Master / Mistress, the way to address other masters and mistresses. Tips on how to address tops, bottoms, vanilla men and women, other household members. The way to argue. Tips on how to disagree with Master. The way to agree with Master. The way to ask for a favor. Ways to ask for sex. Tips on how to request a time out.
Posture:
How you can stand, the way to sit, how you can kneel. When and the best way to use diverse positions. Who opens the door. Where do they walk (in front? Behind? Left side? Perfect?) Describe in detail all the different postures and positions.
Presenting (providing a body portion for use):
How to do it for pleasure, play, punishment, humiliation, whatever.
Other stuff: when and who they can hug with or with out permission, shake hands, bow. Get you a drink. Serve dinner. Fold the laundry. Hang the clothes. Walk the dog.
Private habits:
When and tips on how to eat, go to the bathroom, drink, have sex, use furniture, drive, got to work, dress, get undressed, brush their hair, brush their teeth, exactly where to sleep, what to sleep in, shave, smoke, and so on.
Other problems:
Can they carry income? Use a credit card? Write checks? Can they use the phone, the computer, and also the fax. Are they allowed to touch their collar with their very own hands? Can they eliminate it? Put it on themselves? How? When?
You will find endless opportunities for creating protocols. Just remember, what is fine inside the dungeon in your residence or in the leather bar just isn't necessarily going to fly in the neighborhood Walmart or at your Mom??￥s Thanksgiving dinner. Be prepared to have multiple levels of protocol. When in private ?- when in semi-public but scene friendly,.. when in Walmart ?- at Moms. Also, be wary of working with Often. There is certainly no flexibility. Generally be naked in my presence isn't going to work (the folks at Walmart will in all probability object). A requirement like that's setup for failure because there are exceptions. But.. When at my dwelling, and we are alone, you may be naked. Which is a good solid rule that may be followed. (This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
Standard Question:
Why do it:
The best goals of keeping to a protocol
1. Protocols establish a pattern of a relationship and assist define it.
two. to have a quantifiable system to judge the training and achievement with the bottom.
a. The Best Must give feedback. Protocols function spank paddle since it truly is two way street. The bottom DOES it. The Leading recognizes it is actually performed.
b. This way both know exactly what exactly is expected and can follow it
3. Shows off good manners. Not just out in public, but also privately with each other.
four. Establish and maintains a level of distance in a relationship
a. Distance is required to help keep the Dominant/submissive dynamic strong
b. Exactly the same protocol also may be applied to invite intimacy at certain times.
It's crucial to allow flexibility inside the protocol to let the submissive initiate some things?-such as sex. Your protocol can specify how and when the submissive can express the need/desire for sex using the dominant. Even so, be warned, that when you give the permission to ask, you need to be ready to say yes. Every single time you say no, you are hitting at the submissive??￥s self-esteem. You may not must say yes each and every time, however it can be a fine line between how many times you are able to say no and when they determine you don??￥t care enough and leave. Alternatively, not ever allowing them to ask also sets them up for deciding you don??￥t care and them leaving.
A bonus of letting them ask for sex?- is they now are ???ordered??à to let you know when they want sex. You never have to guess again if they are ???in the mood??à or not.
5. Establish a means for changing the relationship. Incorporate inside the protocol a way for the submissive to request a change. Master, every time I do ???X??à I feel bad?-or angry?-or resentful.. or bored?-or whatever. Is it probable to change ???X??à or delete it. Again, this obligates you to shibari pay attention. If the submissive really requests that one thing be changed, you need to change it.
Take into consideration the reasons for the change and also establish if ???X??à is one thing you feel is seriously needed. If yes, find a technique to make it acceptable towards the bottom. If not, then change or delete it as needed. In this way, your protocol will change and grow and become a growing number of tailored to your individual
relationship with that specific submissive. Remember?- the protocol has to work for each of you. If the submissive is locating it unworkable, then the submissive will leave. For those who don??￥t discover it meets your requirements, you will ignore it, and also the submissive will really feel you don??￥t care, nipple play plus the submissive will leave. Protocols take effort. It is actually worth it, however it is not an effortless ride for either partner.
Exactly where to begin:
1. Begin by determining what style of relationship you need.
Is it a service relationship?
Is it primarily a sexual 1?
Is it Daddy/girl or Master/slave?
What behaviors and mannerisms turn you on.
This is for each Tops and Bottoms. Be CLEAR about what turns you on.If what you want is to be Jeeves?-have a suite and silver tray, say so. For those who need to be dressed in a French Maid outfit with nipple cut outs, be specific. If you would like your submissive to be June Cleaver incarnate, tell her. In case you are not distinct, you won??￥t get what you want.
Evaluate your own interests, and also the impact of reality.
Negotiate all aspects with the Protocol. Protocols cope with the emotions plus the mind. Feelings is often hurt along with the bruises last a whole lot longer than the physical ones. The mental stuff could be the hardest You need to negotiate and talk about the protocols to ensure that you uncover the correct person for you.
Best Data:
Tops, be particular.
Not: I anticipate respect at all times. Duh?
Instead: I will probably be addressed as XXX when we're at household.
I will probably be addressed as YYY when in the club
I might be addressed as ZZZ in vanilla public.
In this way you have determined what you want specifically, and your bottom now has a clear concept of ways to please you. It is most effective to begin quite typically, and then get particular.
The bottom will show appreciation for any attention received, no matter if for punishment or pleasure.
The bottom will say ???Thank you Mistress??à then kiss boots
When kneeling to kiss boots, legs are spread and butt high in air
Kiss initial the left boot, outside edge, inside edge, then perfect boot outside edge, then inside edge.
After kissing boots back up, spot head on floor and wait slave leash recognition.
But! Be careful not to get too detailed to rapidly. First start using the general. Then add the detail of kneeling to kiss boots. Then add the detail for the best way to kiss the boots. Enable the protocol (ritual) to develop naturally, but document the process as you go, so that you will both know what's significant and what isn??￥t. You want the development of one's protocol to be an exciting and nurturing expertise, and for it to be organic. It'll grow and change and develop along with your relationship, producing it stronger and deeper.
Comprehend that your Protocol WILL alter. It is actually greater to start with a few basic rules of behavior, possibly
Then right after those are mastered, add 5 additional. Plus depth towards the initially five. Make the addition of new guidelines a reward for having mastered the first ones. Don??￥t hand a brand new submissive a 30 page document and say, start off performing all this on Monday. It won??￥t work, it will be overwhelming and there is certainly nothing enjoyable about flipping by means of a manual trying to determine what to do subsequent.. Also, you cannot expect perfect obedience. You're commanding behavior from a human being. Not a machine. And sometimes?- there has to be down time. Every single protocol must have a way, within the protocol, to request a strategy to be excused from the Protocol. This is really a release valve. Once again, it is almost axiomatic that the dominant Have to nearly always grant such a request. But the value of it can be that by granting this request, the protocol is basically still in location. By not granting it, you run the risk that the stress that caused the need for the request in the initial location will force the submissive to make a decision to just chuck it all anyway.
Note I did say Just about constantly. Often, by asking for the release, the submissive is also asking for aid. If the dominant can relieve the reason the sub requested the time out, it really is achievable to really deny the request but in a positive way. A great, effectively written protocol will enable flexibility for both partners. If the submissive, for what ever reason, feels a ought to be released from the protocol, the mere truth of requesting the release in a specific way, and getting granted it based on the protocol, truly preserves the protocol?-..it is actually nonetheless becoming ???observed??à even throughout the time out, and gives a sense of security and continuity throughout that time period. Also, there is nothing wrong with telling the submissive?- you get the time out, but your penalty for it is actually that after the time out, you are going to have to do ???X??à to make up for the lack of protocol for the duration rope bondage of this time.
Be creative.
Find approaches to maintain it meaningful.
Note: Roles of Protocol don't only belong towards the bottom.
Protocol applies towards the Dominant too, and should contain behavior with the Best. The rules may possibly specify that the Leading is polite at all times, or crude and hurtful. But the guidelines should be there for both?-specify what You may be doing.
Bear in mind, your Protocol is YOURS and yours only.
You can't expect other people to follow your protocol, even if they know it.
Write your protocols out, not as a contract but as a guide book. This is beneficial for both Dom and sub. Who forgets the particular protocols very first? The dominant. Bottoms don??￥t maintain protocol out of fear of punishment but due to the fact they Wish to be pleasing to their Dom. They don??￥t just ???stop??à observing protocol for the heck of it. They quit primarily because the Tops fail to
NOTICE.
When the Best fails to notice/react, then he doesn??￥t care.. As the Dominant, you should be involved. You have established it. You need to preserve it. You reward great behavior, and punish bad. And modify the guidelines when vital.
For the Bottoms:
In case you quit performing some thing required of your protocol, and your leading doesn??￥t notice, it's your proper and responsibility to bring this towards the Master??￥s attention?- in a respectful way, based on your protocol.
All protocols really should present a way for the submissive to bring anything up that requirements to be discussed with out fear of reprisal. Also, at times Tops recognize that they stopped noticing some thing, and if that occurs, it is actually greater to say ???I??￥ve noticed you've got stopped doing X.??à Even so, bear in mind that at this point, you can't punish for it. For those who have not noticed for a month that she isn't kneeling just before getting into bed, then these days, you notice it?-. You can??￥t punish her retroactively. Rather take ownership with the challenge, acknowledge your portion (lack of noticing indicates it has develop into less than meaningful to you also) and then brainstorm together what you can do to stop it from happening again. Bottoms are responsible to obey you, but you (the best) are responsible for noticing that obedience (or lack) and following via.
Often remember that your private protocol is YOURS and yours alWhen you have noticed something has grow to be neglected or is getting performed by rote rather of with actual meaning or that you simply personally now locate boring to watch the submissive perform it ???yet again??à, it is time to re-evaluate the reason for that action, and either modify it or drop it entirely. It is actually this method that assists keep the protocol alive and responsive towards the relationship, and for that reason meaningful. When it stops becoming meaningful, the relationship is on the skids. It has develop into basically a series of actions rather of a deep bond.
one. You could need to explain them to somebody, but it's best to get respect regardless of their acceptance of your protocol or not. When inside your home, I??￥ll obey your protocol, or I leave. You do the same for me in mine. This may be the essence of simple etiquette. Nobody else knows your penis gag protocol. Don??￥t anticipate them to. Don??￥t try to create them follow your guidelines. This is YOURS. Maintain it for you as well as the ones in your S/M relationship. Keep the relationship alive and intriguing. As with all relationships, it calls for function. But the outcomes are really rewarding.
Cecelia took these notes on December 1, 2000, as a service to Sir David, at a presentation by Laura Antoniou in Austin, Texas. They are published and supplied to interested men and women with
Laura??gracious permission.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
|
|
2/08/2011 4:38:49 PM
|
topic:
every single relationship will slow down
wailian
Posts 10
|
Creating a Protocol
A speak given by Laura Antoniou, December 1, 2000
What is the quantity 1 reason for failure of an S/M relationship?
Lack of consistency. Not failed flogging or lack of fetish wear. Consistency.
Basically, what occurs is that the gag bondage people involved in the relationship quit performing the points that got them thinking about S/M within the initially place.
NOTE: S/M may be the term L. A. utilised to mean S/M, D/s, BDSM, what ever set of letters you want for the lifestyle we select.
Reality is that every single relationship will slow down after the very first flush of excitement wears off. All of the Passion, Drama and Emotion that make it exciting at 1st, tone down. And all of those are tied up in actions. When the actions quit, the relationship stops. I don??￥t have a magic remedy to provide to help keep a relationship alive, but 1 factor that may work will be the creation and maintenance of a protocol. Before we get into that, we ought to first touch on some of the terms to be applied.
1st: I'm NOT in my 50??￥s or older. I've by no means been in the Military. And I'm not a gay male that fits both of those descriptions. As a result, I'm not, nor can I ever have been ???old Guard??à and anybody that says otherwise is wrong.
Second: The fundamental assumption of this whole presentation is that we're talking about a S/M relationship where there's a Leading (Dominant) along with a bottom. The bottom is in a state of consensual submission and has agreed to be obedient to the top.
Etiquette: forms of behavior established by great breeding, or what exactly is prescribed by cultural circumstances. Simple etiquette. You must know beneficial manners. Read Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, etc. Get them. Read them. Use them. There is in no way an excuse for poor manners.
Protocol: The code that prescribes the adherence lesbian bondage to the etiquette.
SM Protocol: a program for enacting the behavior inside your relationship. (Including the basic etiquette stuff.) An excellent (and currently the only) reference for alternate lifestyles is:
The Bride Wore Black Leather... and He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell, Donna Barr (Illustrator) /Paperback / Greenery Press / March 2000
One more excellent reference comes from a Military Protocol book:
Service Etiquette by Oretha D. Swartz / Hardcover / Naval Institute Press / November 1988
These are excellent books to add to your reference set, right along side of Emily Post, et al. Essentially, ask yourself what attracted you to SM inside the initial location Energy? Surrender? The formalisms? The manners? The rituals? Every little thing which is performed in S/M is strengthened, sharpened and enhanced by etiquette. One of the 1st issues you do is establish a Protocol.
How do you anticipate the submissive to behave, to address you, to dress, to sit, eat, and so on. This is often a model for the relationship. It is actually the Tops responsibility to establish the protocol. Do not send your submissive out on the net trying to find that ???magic??à protocol that should be followed.
It doesn't exist. By taking somebody else??￥s protocol, you're basically handing over the control of your relationship to somebody else. Mainly because that's what protocol is?- the control of the relationship.
Protocols inside a relationship are private and individual. nipple play You make the rules for what exactly is significant to you. If you take third party protocols and just attempt to utilize those, you are going to guarantee that they will be misinterpreted, some might be implausible, and other people will just be plain wrong for your relationship. Besides, do you genuinely want your submissive to fulfill somebody else??￥s fantasy?
Your fantasy is what should be the focus. Also, should you hand the responsibility of developing the protocols over towards the submissive, you might be telling the submissive to control
the relationship. Which is generally not what the submissive is seeking. They choose to know what pleases you, not just what they are guessing at. Only the dominant can make it suitable.
This doesn't mean you can not use other information and facts. Surely borrow (or outright steal) bits and pieces of protocols from other sources that appeal to you. But take just the crucial
portion and flesh it out together with your own style and flavor. Make it your own and move on. Do not just take somebody else??￥s protocol ???whole cloth??à and attempt to make use of it.
But that begs the question?- Where do I get that protocol? Have you ever fantasized about a series of positions you'd like to see your sub perform?
Write them up.
Make it clear.
Be prepared to teach them and modify them to fit reality.
Read about other styles of protocols. By way of example everyone that has ever heard the term ???Old Guard??à has an opinion.
Nevertheless, for those who feel this appeals to you, I advise you read the following two books, and in case you like what you read, go for it:
The Leatherman's Handbook by Larry Townsend, hot bondage John Preston / Paperback / L. T. Publications / November 1994
Real Thing by William M. Carney / Paperback / Masquerade Books, Inc. / April 1995
Other sources are John Normans Gor series, the story of O, Ann Rice Beauty series. Just keep in mind that your life is not GOR. It is actually yours. Take what you like and make it genuine, but don??￥t try to convince your self you are from the planet Gor or from Roissery. You aren??￥t. You also don??￥t discover plenty of protocol described in my books. The last factor I want is someone to say they are following the Marketplace Spot protocol.
There is no such factor.
Making a Protocol
First, take into consideration why are you doing this? To establish a relationship? To deepen it? To try to repair it? (often repairs don??￥t function simply because by the time you comprehend you will need to fix it, its too late, but try anyway.) Then, think of all the issues you want/need the protocol to cover.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
Speech:
Discussion habits, how you can address Master / Mistress, the best way to address other masters and mistresses. Tips on how to address tops, bottoms, vanilla folks, other household members. The best way to argue. The way to disagree with Master. How you can agree with Master. The way to ask for a favor. Ways to ask for sex. How to request a time out.
Posture:
Tips on how to stand, how to sit, the best way to kneel. When and tips on how to use various positions. Who opens the door. Exactly where do they walk (in front? Behind? Left side? Correct?) Describe in detail all the various postures and positions.
Presenting (providing a body component for use):
How to do it for pleasure, play, punishment, humiliation, whatever.
Other stuff: when and who they can hug with or with out permission, shake hands, bow. Get you a drink. Serve dinner. Fold the laundry. Hang the clothes. Walk the dog.
Individual habits:
When and ways to eat, go to the bathroom, drink, have sex, use furniture, drive, got to work, dress, get undressed, brush their hair, brush their teeth, exactly where to sleep, what to sleep in, shave, smoke, etc.
Other problems:
Can they carry money? Use a credit card? Write checks? Can they use the phone, the personal computer, and also the fax. Are they allowed to touch their collar with their very own hands? Can they get rid of it? Put it on themselves? How? When?
There are actually endless opportunities for creating protocols. Just keep in mind, what's fine inside the dungeon in your residence or in the leather bar is not necessarily going to fly in the nearby Walmart or at your Mom??￥s Thanksgiving dinner. Be prepared to have many levels of protocol. When in private ?- when in semi-public but scene friendly,.. when in Walmart ?- at Moms. Also, be wary of working with Usually. There is certainly no flexibility. Always be naked in my presence isn't going to function (the folks at Walmart will in all probability object). A requirement like that is setup for failure since there are exceptions. But.. When at my residence, mouth gags and we are alone, you'll be naked. Which is an excellent solid rule that will be followed.
Basic Question:
Why do it:
The very best objectives of keeping to a protocol
1. Protocols establish a pattern of a relationship and support define it.
2. to have a quantifiable program to judge the training and achievement with the bottom.
a. The Leading Should give feedback. Protocols work because it's two way street. The bottom DOES it. The Best recognizes it is actually completed.
b. This way each know precisely what's expected and can follow it
three. Shows off superior manners. Not just out in public, but also privately with each other.
four. Establish and maintains a degree of distance in a relationship
a. Distance is necessary to help keep the Dominant/submissive dynamic strong
b. Exactly the same protocol also can be employed to invite intimacy at distinct times.
It's important to permit flexibility in the protocol to let the submissive initiate some things?-such as sex. Your protocol can specify how and when the submissive can express the need/desire for sex with the dominant. On the other hand, be warned, that in case you give the permission to ask, you will need to be ready to say yes. Each time you say no, you are hitting in the submissive??￥s self-esteem. You may not need to say yes every single time, nipple play however it can be a fine line between how lots of times you are able to say no and when they make a decision you don??￥t care enough and leave. However, not ever permitting them to ask also sets them up for deciding you don??￥t care and them leaving.
A bonus of letting them ask for sex?- is they now are ???ordered??à to tell you when they want sex. You never need to guess again if they are ???in the mood??à or not.
five. Establish a means for altering the relationship. Incorporate inside the protocol a way for the submissive to request a change. Master, every time I do ???X??à I really feel bad?-or angry?-or resentful.. or bored?-or whatever. Is it attainable to alter ???X??à or delete it. Once again, this obligates you to pay attention. If the submissive truly requests that one thing be changed, you should alter it.
Take into account the reasons for the alter and also ascertain if ???X??à is something you really feel is definitely needed. If yes, find a way to make it acceptable towards the bottom. If not, then change or delete it as required. In this way, your protocol will alter and grow and develop into more and more tailored to your private
relationship with that specific submissive. Remember?- the protocol has to work for each of you. If the submissive is finding it unworkable, then the submissive will leave. In case you don??￥t uncover it meets your requirements, you can ignore it, as well as the submissive will really feel you don??￥t care, along with the submissive will leave. Protocols take effort. It truly is worth it, however it just isn't an quick ride for either femdom bondage partner.
Where to begin:
1. Start by determining what sort of relationship you would like.
Is it a service relationship?
Is it primarily a sexual one?
Is it Daddy/girl or Master/slave?
What behaviors and mannerisms turn you on.
This is for each Tops and Bottoms. Be CLEAR about what turns you on.If what you need is always to be Jeeves?-have a suite and silver tray, say so. For those who must be dressed in a French Maid outfit with nipple cut outs, be precise. If you would like your submissive to be June Cleaver incarnate, tell her. When you are not particular, you won??￥t get what you want.
Evaluate your own interests, and also the impact of reality.
Negotiate all aspects with the Protocol. Protocols cope with the emotions and the mind. Feelings is usually hurt as well as the bruises last a great deal longer than the physical ones. The mental stuff will be the hardest You need to negotiate and talk about the protocols so that you come across the correct individual for you.
Top Information and facts:
Tops, be specific.
Not: I expect respect at all times. Duh?
Rather: I will be addressed as XXX when we're at property.
I will likely be addressed as YYY when in the club
I is going to be addressed as ZZZ in vanilla public.
In this way you might have determined what you would like particularly, and your bottom now has a clear thought of how to please you. It can be finest to begin extremely commonly, after which get specific.
The bottom will show appreciation for any attention received, no matter if for punishment or pleasure.
(This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
The bottom will say ???Thank you Mistress??à then kiss boots
When kneeling to kiss boots, legs are spread and butt high in air
Kiss first the left boot, outside edge, inside edge, then proper boot outside edge, then inside edge.
Immediately after kissing boots back up, location head on floor and wait recognition.
But! Be careful not to obtain too detailed to rapidly. Initial begin with the common. Then add the detail of kneeling to kiss boots. Then add the detail for ways to kiss the boots. Allow the protocol (ritual) to create naturally, but document the method as you go, to ensure that you are going to each know what's critical and what isn??￥t. You would like the development of your protocol to be an exciting and nurturing experience, and for it to be organic. It is going to grow and change and create along with your relationship, producing it stronger and deeper.
Comprehend that your Protocol WILL change. It is actually far better to begin with a few basic rules of behavior, maybe
Then right after those are mastered, add five extra. Plus depth to the initial five. Make the addition of new rules a reward for having mastered the very first ones. Don??￥t hand a new submissive a 30 page document and say, start out performing all this on Monday. It won??￥t function, it will be overwhelming and there is nothing fun about flipping by way of a manual trying to figure out what to do next.. Also, you cannot anticipate perfect obedience. You're commanding behavior from a human getting. Not a machine. And sometimes?- there has to be down time. Every protocol should have a way, within the protocol, to request a solution to be excused from the Protocol. This is usually a release valve. Again, it can be virtually axiomatic that the dominant Must just about generally grant such extreme restraint a request. But the value of it's that by granting this request, the protocol is essentially nonetheless in location. By not granting it, you run the risk that the anxiety that caused the have to have for the request in the initially spot will force the submissive to make a decision to just chuck it all anyway.
Note I did say Nearly usually. Sometimes, by asking for the release, the submissive is also asking for help. If the dominant can relieve the reason the sub requested the time out, it's possible to basically deny the request but in a positive way. A great, properly written protocol will enable flexibility for each partners. If the submissive, for what ever reason, feels a must be released from the protocol, the mere reality of requesting the release in a specific way, and being granted it in accordance with the protocol, truly preserves the protocol?-..it really is extreme bdsm still being ???observed??à even for the duration of the time out, and offers a sense of security and continuity in the course of that time period. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling the submissive?- you get the time out, but your penalty for it can be that immediately after the time out, you might have to do ???X??à to create up for the lack of protocol for the duration of this time.
Be creative.
Uncover solutions to keep it meaningful.
Note: Roles of Protocol don't only belong towards the bottom.
Protocol applies towards the Dominant too, and must incorporate behavior with the Best. The rules may perhaps specify that the Leading is polite at all times, or crude and hurtful. But the rules must be there for both?-specify what You may be doing.
Keep in mind, your Protocol is YOURS and yours only.
You can't anticipate other people to follow your protocol, even when they know it.
Write your protocols out, not as a contract but as a guide book. This is valuable for each Dom and sub. Who forgets the distinct protocols first? The dominant. Bottoms don??￥t keep protocol out of fear of punishment but since they Wish to be pleasing to their Dom. They don??￥t just ???stop??à observing protocol for the heck of it. They quit primarily simply because the Tops fail to
NOTICE.
When the Best fails to notice/react, then he doesn??￥t care.. As extreme bondage the Dominant, you should be involved. You've established it. You have to maintain it. You reward great behavior, and punish poor. And modify the guidelines when vital.
For the Bottoms:
Should you stop doing something required of one's protocol, and your leading doesn??￥t notice, it can be your perfect and responsibility to bring this to the Master??￥s attention?- in a respectful way, according to your protocol.
All protocols must present a way for the submissive to bring anything up that wants to be discussed without fear of reprisal. Also, at times Tops comprehend that they stopped noticing something, and if that takes place, it really is greater to say ???I??￥ve noticed you've got stopped performing X.??à Even so, bear in mind that at this point, you cannot punish for it. When you have not noticed for a month that she just isn't kneeling ahead of obtaining into bed, then at this time, you notice it?-. You can??￥t punish her retroactively. Instead take mouth gags ownership with the issue, acknowledge your part (lack of noticing indicates it has turn into much less than meaningful to you also) after which brainstorm together what it is possible to do to stop it from happening once more. Bottoms are responsible to obey you, but you (the top) are responsible for noticing that obedience (or lack) and following by means of.
For those who have noticed something has grow to be neglected or is becoming performed by rote instead of with genuine meaning or that you personally now locate boring to watch the submissive perform it ???yet again??à, it is time to re-evaluate the reason for that action, and either modify it or drop it entirely. It really is this procedure that assists keep the protocol alive and responsive to the relationship, and as a result meaningful. When it stops becoming meaningful, the relationship is on the skids. It has become simply a series of actions rather of a deep bond.
Normally keep in mind that your personal protocol is YOURS and yours alone. You could have to explain them to an individual, but you must get respect regardless of their acceptance of one's protocol or not. When in your house, I??￥ll obey your protocol, or I leave. chastity for men You do the same for me in mine. This could be the essence of basic etiquette. No one else knows your protocol. Don??￥t expect them to. Don??￥t try to make them follow your guidelines. This is YOURS. Maintain it for you and also the ones within your S/M relationship. Keep the relationship alive and fascinating. As with all relationships, it demands work. But the outcomes are extremely rewarding.
Cecelia took these notes on December 1, 2000, as a service to Sir David, at a presentation by Laura Antoniou in Austin, Texas. They are published and provided to interested folks with
Laura??￥s gracious permission.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
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2/08/2011 4:38:09 PM
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topic:
is the term L. A. used to mean
wailian
Posts 10
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A Talk
A talk given by Laura Antoniou, December 1, 2000
What is the number one reason for failure of an S/M relationship?
Lack of consistency. Not failed flogging or lack of fetish wear. Consistency.
Basically, what happens is that the people involved in the relationship stop doing the things that got them interested in S/M in the first place.
NOTE: S/M is the term L. A. used to mean S/M, D/s, BDSM, what ever set of letters you want for the lifestyle we choose.
Reality is that every relationship will slow down after the first flush of excitement wears off. All the Passion, Drama and Emotion that make it exciting at first, tone down. And all of rope bondage those are tied up in actions. When the actions stop, the relationship stops. I don't have a magic solution to offer to keep a relationship alive, but one thing that can work is the creation and maintenance of a protocol. Before we get into that, we must first touch on some of the terms to be used.
First: I am NOT in my 50's or older. I have never been in the Military. And I am not a gay male that fits both of those descriptions. Therefore, I am not, nor can I ever have been "old Guard" and anyone that says otherwise is wrong.
Second: The basic assumption of this entire presentation is that we are talking about a S/M relationship where there is a Top (Dominant) and a bottom. The bottom is in a state of consensual submission and has agreed to be obedient to the top.
Etiquette: forms of behavior established by good breeding, or what is prescribed by cultural situations. Basic etiquette. You must know good manners. Read Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, etc. Get them. Read them. Use them. There is never an excuse for bad manners.
Protocol: The code that prescribes the adherence to the etiquette.
SM Protocol: a plan for enacting the behavior within your spank paddle relationship. (Including the basic etiquette stuff.) A good (and currently the only) reference for alternate lifestyles is:
The Bride Wore Black Leather... and He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell, Donna Barr (Illustrator) /Paperback / Greenery Press / March 2000
Another good reference comes from a Military Protocol book:
Service Etiquette by Oretha D. Swartz / Hardcover / Naval Institute Press / November 1988
These are good books to add to your reference set, right along side of Emily Post, et al. Basically, ask yourself what attracted you to SM in the first place Power? Surrender? The formalisms? The manners? The rituals? Everything that is done in S/M is strengthened, sharpened and enhanced by etiquette. One of the first things you do is establish a Protocol.
How do you expect the submissive to behave, to address you, to dress, to sit, eat, etc. This is a model for the relationship. It is the Tops responsibility to establish the protocol. DO NOT send your submissive out on the net looking for that "magic" protocol that must be followed.
It does not exist. By taking someone else's protocol, you are essentially handing over the control of your relationship to someone else. Because that is what protocol is… the control of the relationship.
Protocols within a relationship are private and personal. You slave leash make the rules for what is important to you. If you take third party protocols and just try to use those, you are going to guarantee that they will be misinterpreted, some will be implausible, and others will just be plain wrong for your relationship. Besides, do you really want your submissive to fulfill someone else's fantasy?
Your fantasy is what should be the focus. Also, if you hand the responsibility of creating the protocols over to the submissive, you are telling the submissive to control
the relationship. Which is usually not what the submissive is looking for. They want to know what pleases you, not just what they are guessing at. Only the dominant can make it right.
This does not mean you cannot use other information. Certainly borrow (or outright steal) bits and pieces of protocols from other sources that appeal to you. But take just the important
part and flesh it out with your own style and flavor. Make it your own and move on. Do not just take someone else's protocol "whole cloth" and try to use it.
But that begs the question… Where do I get that protocol? Have you ever fantasized about a series of positions you would like to see your sub perform?
Write them up.
Make it clear.
Be prepared to teach them and modify them to fit reality.
Read about other styles of protocols. For example everyone kinbaku that has ever heard the term "Old Guard" has an opinion.
However, if you think this appeals to you, I recommend you read the following two books, and if you like what you read, go for it:
The Leatherman's Handbook by Larry Townsend, John Preston / Paperback / L. T. Publications / November 1994
Real Thing by William M. Carney / Paperback / Masquerade Books, Inc. / April 1995
Other sources are John Normans Gor series, the story of O, Ann Rice Beauty series. Just remember that your life is NOT GOR. It is yours. Take what you like and make it real, but don't try to convince yourself you are from the planet Gor or from Roissery. You aren't. You also don't find a lot of protocol described in my books. The last thing I want is someone to say they are following the Market Place protocol.
There is no such thing.
Creating a Protocol
First, think about why are you doing this? To establish a relationship? To deepen it? To try to repair it? (usually repairs don't work because by the time you realize you need to fix it, its rope bondage too late, but try anyway.) Then, think about all the things you want/need the protocol to cover.
Speech:
Discussion habits, how to address Master / Mistress, how to address other masters and mistresses. How to address tops, bottoms, vanilla people, other household members. How to argue. How to disagree with Master. How to agree with Master. How to ask for a favor. How to ask for sex. How to request a time out.
Posture:
How to stand, how to sit, how to kneel. When and how to use different positions. Who opens the door. Where do they walk (in front? Behind? Left side? Right?) Describe in detail all the different postures and positions. (See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
Presenting (offering a body part for use):
How to do it for pleasure, play, punishment, humiliation, whatever.
Other stuff: when and who they can hug with or with out permission, shake hands, bow. Get you a drink. Serve dinner. Fold the laundry. Hang the clothes. Walk the dog.
Personal habits:
When and how to eat, go to the bathroom, drink, have sex, use furniture, drive, got to work, dress, get undressed, brush their hair, brush their teeth, where to sleep, what to sleep in, shave, smoke, etc.
Other issues:
Can they carry money? Use a credit card? Write checks? shibari Can they use the phone, the computer, and the fax. Are they allowed to touch their collar with their own hands? Can they remove it? Put it on themselves? How? When?
There are endless opportunities for developing protocols. Just remember, what is fine in the dungeon in your home or at the leather bar is not necessarily going to fly at the local Walmart or at your Mom's Thanksgiving dinner. Be prepared to have multiple levels of protocol. When in private … when in semi-public but scene friendly,.. when in Walmart … at Moms. Also, be wary of using Always. There is no flexibility. Always be naked in my presence is not going to work (the folks at Walmart will probably object). A requirement like that is setup for failure because there are exceptions. But.. When at my home, and we are alone, you will be naked. That is a good solid rule that can be followed.
Basic Question:
Why do it:
The best goals of keeping to a protocol
1. Protocols establish a pattern of a relationship and help define it.
2. to have a quantifiable system to judge the training and success of the bottom.
a. The Top MUST give feedback. Protocols work because it is two way street. The bottom DOES it. The Top recognizes it is done.
b. This way both know exactly what is expected and can follow it
3. Shows off good manners. Not just out in public, but also privately with each other.
4. Establish and maintains a level of distance in a relationship
a. Distance is required to keep the Dominant/submissive dynamic strong
b. The same protocol also can be used to invite intimacy at specific times.
It is important to allow flexibility in the protocol to let the submissive initiate some things…such as sex. Your protocol can specify how and when the submissive can express the need/desire for sex with the dominant. However, be warned, that if you give the permission to ask, you need to be prepared to say yes. EVERY time you say no, you are hitting at the submissive's self-esteem. You may not need to say yes every time, but it is a fine line between how many times you can say no and when they decide you don't care enough and leave. On the other hand, not ever allowing them to ask also sets them up for deciding you don't care and them leaving.
A bonus of letting them ask for sex… is they now are "ordered" to tell you when they want sex. You never have to guess again if they are "in the mood" or not.
5. Establish a means for changing the relationship. Include in the protocol a way for the submissive to request a change. Master, every time I do "X" I feel bad…or angry…or resentful.. or bored…or whatever. Is it possible to change "X" or delete it. Again, this obligates you to pay attention. If the submissive actually requests that something be changed, you should change it.
Consider the reasons for the change and also determine if "X" is something you feel is really necessary. If yes, find a way to make it acceptable to the bottom. If not, then change or delete it as necessary. In this way, your protocol will change and grow and become more and more tailored to your personal
relationship with that particular submissive. Remember… the protocol has to work for both of you. If the submissive is finding it unworkable, then the submissive will leave. If you don't find it meets your needs, you will ignore it, and the submissive will feel you don't care, and the submissive will leave. sexual bondage Protocols take effort. It is worth it, but it is not an easy ride for either partner.
Where to start:
1. Start by determining what type of relationship you want.
Is it a service relationship?
Is it primarily a sexual one?
Is it Daddy/girl or Master/slave?
What behaviors and mannerisms turn you on.
This is for both Tops and Bottoms. Be CLEAR about what turns you on.If what you want is to be Jeeves…have a suite and silver tray, say so. If you need to be dressed in a French Maid outfit with nipple cut outs, be specific. If you want your submissive to be June Cleaver incarnate, tell her. If you are not specific, you won't get what you want.
Evaluate your own interests, and also the impact of reality.
Negotiate all aspects of the Protocol. Protocols deal with the emotions and the mind. Feelings can be hurt and the bruises last a lot longer than the physical ones. The mental stuff is the hardest You want to negotiate and discuss the protocols so that you find the right person for you.
TOP INFORMATION:
Tops, be specific.
Not: I expect respect at all times. Duh?
Instead: I will be addressed as XXX when we are at home.
I will be addressed as YYY when at the club
I will be addressed as ZZZ in vanilla public.
In this way you have determined what you want specifically, hot bondage and your bottom now has a clear idea of how to please you. It is best to start very generally, and then get specific.
The bottom will show appreciation for any attention received, whether for punishment or pleasure.
The bottom will say "Thank you Mistress" then kiss boots
When kneeling to kiss boots, legs are spread and butt high in air
Kiss first the left boot, outside edge, inside edge, then right boot outside edge, then inside edge.
After kissing boots back up, place head on floor and wait recognition.
But! Be careful not to get too detailed to fast. First start with the general. Then add the detail of kneeling to kiss boots. Then add the detail for how to kiss the boots. Allow the protocol (ritual) to develop naturally, but document the process as you go, so that you will both know what is important and what isn't. You want the development of your protocol to be an exciting and nurturing experience, and for it to be organic. It will grow and change and develop with your relationship, making it stronger and deeper.
Realize that your Protocol WILL change. It is better to start with a few simple rules of behavior, maybe
Then after those are mastered, add 5 more. Plus depth to the first five. Make the addition of new rules a reward for having mastered the first ones. Don't hand a new submissive a 30 page document and say, start doing all this on Monday. It won't work, it will be overwhelming and there is nothing fun about flipping through a manual trying to figure out what to do next.. Also, you cannot expect perfect obedience. You are sex blindfold commanding behavior from a human being. Not a machine. And sometimes… there has to be down time. Every protocol should have a way, within the protocol, to request a way to be excused from the Protocol. This is a release valve. Again, it is almost axiomatic that the dominant MUST almost always grant such a request. But the value of it is that by granting this request, the protocol is actually still in place. By not granting it, you run the risk that the stress that caused the need for the request in the first place will force the submissive to decide to just chuck it all anyway.
Note I did say ALMOST always. Sometimes, by asking for the release, the submissive is also asking for help. If the dominant can relieve the reason the sub requested the time out, it is possible to actually deny the request but in a positive way. A good, well written protocol will allow flexibility for both partners. If the submissive, for what ever reason, feels a need to be released from the protocol, the mere fact of requesting the release in a specific way, and being granted it according to the protocol, actually preserves the protocol…..it is still being "observed" even during the time out, and provides a sense of security and continuity during that time period. Also, there is nothing wrong with telling the submissive… you get the time out, but your penalty for it is that after the time out, you will have to do "X" to make up for the lack of protocol during this time.
Be creative.
Find ways to keep it meaningful.
Note: Roles of Protocol do not only belong to the bottom.
Protocol applies to the Dominant as well, and must include behavior of the Top. The rules may specify that the Top is polite at all times, or crude and hurtful. But the rules must be there for both…specify what YOU will be doing.
Remember, your Protocol is YOURS and yours only.
You cannot expect others to follow your protocol, even if they know it.
Write your protocols out, not as a contract but as a guide book. This is helpful for both Dom and sub. Who forgets the specific protocols first? The dominant. Bottoms don't keep protocol out of fear of punishment but because they WANT to be pleasing to their Dom. They don't just "stop" observing protocol for the heck of it. They stop primarily because the Tops fail to
NOTICE.
When the Top fails to notice/react, then he doesn't care.. As gag fetish the Dominant, you must be involved. You have established it. You must maintain it. You reward good behavior, and punish bad. And modify the rules when necessary.
For the Bottoms:
If you stop doing something required of your protocol, and your top doesn't notice, it is your right and responsibility to bring this to the Master's attention… in a respectful way, according to your protocol.
All protocols should provide a way for the submissive to bring anything up that needs to be discussed without fear of reprisal. Also, sometimes Tops realize that they stopped noticing something, and if that happens, it is better to say "I've noticed you have stopped doing X." However, remember that at this point, you cannot punish for it. If you have not noticed for a month that she is not kneeling before getting into bed, then today, you notice it…. You can't punish her retroactively. Instead take ownership of the problem, acknowledge your part (lack of noticing means it has become less than meaningful to you also) and then brainstorm together what you can do to prevent it from happening again. Bottoms are responsible to obey you, but you (the top) are responsible for noticing that obedience (or lack) and following through.
If you have noticed something has become neglected or is being performed by rote instead of with real meaning or that you personally now find boring to watch the submissive perform it "yet again", it is time to re-evaluate the reason for that action, and either modify it or drop it entirely. It is this process that self bondage helps keep the protocol alive and responsive to the relationship, and therefore meaningful. When it stops being meaningful, the relationship is on the skids. It has become simply a series of actions instead of a deep bond.
Always remember that your personal protocol is YOURS and yours alone. You may have to explain them to someone, but you should get respect regardless of their acceptance of your protocol or not. When in your house, I'll obey your protocol, or I leave. You do the same for me in mine. This is the essence of basic etiquette. No one else knows your protocol. Don't expect them to. Don't try to make them follow your rules. This is YOURS. Keep it for you and the ones in your S/M relationship. Keep the relationship alive and interesting. As with all relationships, it requires work. But the results are very rewarding.
Cecelia took these notes on December 1, 2000, as a service to Sir David, at a presentation by Laura Antoniou in Austin, Texas. They are published and provided to interested people with
Laura's gracious permission. (This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
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2/08/2011 4:37:46 PM
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topic:
of the skin. Some valuable pointers consist
wailian
Posts 10
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Steps Of Fireplay
I have done fireplay on quite a few occasions...please NOTE here... fireplay is one of the edgier sorts of play and should NOT be attempted with out being shown how to do so appropriately Initially and just reading an write-up will not be sufficient. If you DO decide to do so, you will be performing so at your OWN risk.
Fireplay can't be done on any hairy locations with the body... the very sm sex best places are the back or the upper shoulder and all hair need to be bound up out with the way. Hairspray need to NOT be utilized as it can be flammable too.
It helps to know initial aid in this case to recognize if the burn is actually a serious burn or merely a reddening of the skin. Some valuable pointers consist of:
First degree or superficial: painful, slight reddening with the skin, not severe but requirements attention.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
Second degree or partial thickness: Extra serious, blistering of the skin, pretty red, painful... do not break the blisters on the skin.
Third degree or full thickness: flesh is charred, possibly red around the charred region. This burn needs IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION... do not hesitate.
Now then, here is how I bring fireplay into a scene. Very first, I bind the bottom/submissive/slave and give them a safe hand signal which normally will consist of a raised index finger and I use this signal regardless of whether the submissive is gagged or not. (For the purposes of ease of reading, I shall call My partners 'submissive' from this point forward.) The reason for making use of a hand signal is in case the submissive can not speak or mouth gags yell.
Then, I assemble My equipment which normally consists of:
A pair of steel forceps.
Many squares of gauze, often two x 2 or 4 x four.
A steel bowl/container.
A bottle of 70% isopropyl alcohol.
A bowl of cool water having a cloth dipped into the bowl.
A source of flame (candles or lighters work well)
Initial, the alcohol goes into the steel container... then the gauze is placed inside the forceps and the forceps are clamped down. Subsequent, a smaller pattern (I would recommend starting out with a modest pattern) is painted on the submissive's back or upper shoulder. Watch out for drips with the alcohol simply because as will be the wont of most things in Nature, the flame will follow the path of least resistance and if there nipple play are drips, there Are going to be a burned submissive.
Touch the flame towards the alcohol and there is going to be a sudden "WHOOSH" of a bluish flame... following the 'WHOOSH', take the cool, wet rag and location it on the area You just burned on Your submissive to cool the burn.
This is usually accomplished various times but please note that you ARE 'burning' Your submissive so it wants to be created identified if the submissive is becoming a bit... erm... charcoal broiled.
A number of diverse techniques of fireplay are as follows:
You'll be able to fill a spray bottle with 70% isopropyl alcohol and have a lighter (preferably a butane one) handy and do fireballs... please watch out for alcohol mist on the floor.
A 70% isopropyl alcohol may possibly be mixed with liquid soap to be able to trigger the flame to last longer and to assist stop the alcohol from dripping. For cleaning up afterwards, standard isopropyl alcohol will do just fine.
Placing a line of 70% isopropyl alcohol lesbian bondageup the spine and then lighting it in the base with the spine is an outstanding solution to see the blue flame and is pretty intense for the submissive.
I hope these couple of suggestions and tricks have created fireplay a bit much less formidable but once more, please know that it May be harmful unless the Dominant is continuously vigilant.
(This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
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2/08/2011 4:37:22 PM
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topic:
post will not be adequate. When you DO
wailian
Posts 10
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How To Bring Fireplay Into a Scene
I've completed fireplay on a lot of occasions...please NOTE here... fireplay is one of the edgier sorts of play and will need to NOT be attempted without having being shown how you can do so appropriately Initially and just reading an post will not be adequate. When you DO make a decision to do so, you'll be performing so at your OWN risk.
Fireplay can't be performed on any hairy places with the body... the best places are the back or the upper shoulder and all hair need to be bound up out of the way. Hairspray will need to NOT be utilized as it truly is flammable as well.
It helps to know initially aid in this case to recognize if the burn is actually a significant burn or merely a reddening of the skin. Some beneficial pointers include:
Initial degree or superficial: painful, slight reddening with the skin, not serious but requirements attention.
(This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
Second degree or partial thickness: More severe, blistering of the skin, extremely red, painful... don't break the blisters on the skin.
Third degree or full thickness: flesh is charred, lesbian bondage possibly red around the charred area. This burn wants IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION... do not hesitate.
Now then, here is how I bring fireplay into a scene. Initial, I bind the bottom/submissive/slave and give them a safe hand signal which normally will consist of a raised index finger and I use this signal whether or not the submissive is gagged or not. (For the purposes of ease of reading, I shall call My partners 'submissive' from this point forward.) The reason for utilizing a hand signal is in case the submissive can't speak or yell.
Then, I assemble My equipment which normally consists of:
A pair of steel forceps.
Various squares of gauze, typically 2 x two or four x 4.
A steel bowl/container.
A bottle of 70% isopropyl alcohol.
A bowl of cool water having a cloth dipped into the bowl.
A source of flame (candles or lighters function nicely)
1st, the alcohol goes into the steel container... then the gauze is placed inside the forceps plus the forceps are clamped down. Subsequent, a smaller pattern (I would recommend beginning out with a modest pattern) is painted on the submissive's back or upper shoulder. Watch out for rope bondage drips of the alcohol mainly because as may be the wont of most factors in Nature, the flame will follow the path of least resistance and if you can find drips, there Is going to be a burned submissive.
Touch the flame to the alcohol and there are going to be a sudden "WHOOSH" of a bluish flame... just after the 'WHOOSH', take the cool, wet rag and spot it on the location You just burned on Your submissive to cool the burn.
This is usually carried out quite a few times but please note that you ARE 'burning' Your submissive so it requirements to be created known if the submissive is becoming a bit... erm... charcoal broiled.
A few distinctive techniques of fireplay are as follows:
You are able to fill a spray bottle with 70% isopropyl alcohol and have a lighter (preferably a butane 1) handy and do fireballs... please watch out for alcohol mist on the nipple play floor.
A 70% isopropyl alcohol may possibly be mixed with liquid soap in order to cause the flame to last longer and to assist prevent the alcohol from dripping. For cleaning up afterwards, common isopropyl alcohol will do just fine.
Placing a line of 70% isopropyl alcohol up the spine and then lighting it at the base with the spine is an outstanding strategy to see the blue flame and is extremely intense for the submissive.
I hope these couple of recommendations and tricks have produced fireplay a bit much less formidable but once more, please know that it Might be hazardous unless the Dominant is constantly vigilant.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
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2/08/2011 4:37:03 PM
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topic:
or superficial: painful, slight reddening with
wailian
Posts 10
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Fireplay : The Edgier Types of Play
I've carried out fireplay on several occasions...please NOTE here... fireplay is among the edgier kinds of play and really should NOT be attempted without having becoming shown tips on how to do so appropriately 1st and just reading an article won't be sufficient. When you DO make a decision to do so, you can be performing so at your OWN risk.
Fireplay can not be accomplished on any hairy locations with the body... the most effective locations are the back or the upper shoulder and all hair will need to be bound up out with the way. Hairspray really should NOT be applied as it is actually flammable at the same time.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
It helps to know first aid in this case to recognize if the burn is usually a severe burn or merely a reddening with the skin. Some useful pointers incorporate:
1st degree or superficial: painful, slight reddening with the skin, not critical but wants attention.
Second degree or partial thickness: A lot more serious, blistering of the skin, quite red, painful... do not break the blisters on the skin.
Third degree or full thickness: flesh is charred, maybe red about the charred region. This burn needs IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION... don't hesitate.
Now then, here is how I bring fireplay into a scene. 1st, I bind the bottom/submissive/slave and give them a safe hand signal which usually will consist of a raised index finger and I use this signal no matter whether the submissive is gagged or not. (For the purposes of ease of reading, I shall call My partners 'submissive' from this point forward.) The reason for working with a hand signal is in case the submissive can not speak or yell.
Then, I assemble My equipment which commonly consists of:
A pair of steel forceps.
Various squares of gauze, typically 2 x 2 or four x four.
A steel bowl/container.
A bottle of 70% isopropyl alcohol.
A bowl of cool water having a cloth dipped into the bowl.
A source of flame (candles or lighters work nicely)
Initial, the alcohol goes into the steel container... then the gauze is placed inside the forceps and also the forceps are clamped down. Next, a little pattern (I would suggest beginning out having a small pattern) is painted on the submissive's back or upper shoulder. Watch out for drips of the alcohol simply because as could be the wont of most points in Nature, the flame will follow the path of least resistance and if you will find drips, there Are going to be a burned submissive.
Touch the flame to the alcohol and there are going to be a sudden "WHOOSH" of a bluish flame... after the 'WHOOSH', take the cool, wet rag and location it on the location rope bondage You just burned on Your submissive to cool the burn.
This might be completed many times but please note which you ARE 'burning' Your submissive so it wants to be made known if the submissive is becoming a bit... erm... charcoal broiled.
A number of unique approaches of fireplay are as follows:
You'll be able to fill a spray bottle with 70% isopropyl alcohol and have a lighter (preferably a butane one) handy and do fireballs... please watch out for alcohol mist on the floor.
A 70% isopropyl alcohol may be mixed with liquid soap in order to cause the flame to last longer and to assist prevent the alcohol from dripping. For cleaning up afterwards, common isopropyl alcohol will do just fine.
Placing a line of 70% isopropyl alcohol up the spine after which lighting it at the base of the spine is an excellent technique to see the blue flame and is quite intense for the submissive.
I hope these couple of recommendations and tricks have made fireplay a bit less formidable but again, please know that it Is often harmful unless the Dominant is continually vigilant.
(This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
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2/08/2011 4:36:45 PM
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topic:
really should be bound up out of the way.
wailian
Posts 10
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Fireplayn: One Dangerous Play
I have carried out fireplay on lots of occasions...please NOTE here... fireplay is among the edgier varieties of play and really should NOT be attempted with out being shown how to do so appropriately 1st and just reading an post won't be adequate. Should you DO determine to do so, you may be doing so at your OWN risk.
Fireplay can not be done on any hairy areas of the body... the best locations are the back or the upper shoulder and all hair really should be bound up out of the way. Hairspray will need to NOT be utilized as it can be flammable as well.
It helps to know initial aid in this case to recognize if the burn is a severe burn or merely a reddening of the skin. Some helpful pointers consist of:
First degree or superficial: painful, slight reddening with the skin, not critical but needs attention.
(This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
Second degree or partial thickness: Far more critical, blistering with the skin, really red, painful... do not break the blisters on the skin.
Third degree or full thickness: flesh is charred, possibly lesbian bondage red around the charred location. This burn wants IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION... don't hesitate.
Now then, here is how I bring fireplay into a scene. 1st, I bind the bottom/submissive/slave and give them a secure hand signal which usually will consist of a raised index finger and I use this signal no matter whether the submissive is gagged or not. (For the purposes of ease of reading, I shall call My partners 'submissive' from this point forward.) The reason for employing a hand signal is in case the submissive cannot speak or yell.
Then, I assemble My equipment which generally consists of:
A pair of steel forceps.
Several squares of gauze, typically two x 2 or 4 x 4.
A steel bowl/container.
A bottle of 70% isopropyl alcohol.
A bowl of cool water with a cloth dipped into the bowl.
A source of flame (candles or lighters work properly)
Initial, the alcohol goes into the steel container... then the gauze is placed within the forceps and the forceps are clamped down. Subsequent, a little pattern (I would nipple play suggest beginning out having a modest pattern) is painted on the submissive's back or upper shoulder. Watch out for drips of the alcohol because as is the wont of most issues in Nature, the flame will follow the path of least resistance and if you'll find drips, there Is going to be a burned submissive.
Touch the flame towards the alcohol and there are going to be a sudden "WHOOSH" of a bluish flame... right after the 'WHOOSH', take the cool, wet rag and spot it on the region You just burned on Your submissive to cool the burn.
This can be accomplished many times but please note that you ARE 'burning' Your submissive so it needs to be produced known if the submissive is becoming a bit... erm... charcoal broiled.
A couple of various ways of fireplay are as follows:
You could fill a spray bottle with 70% isopropyl alcohol and have a lighter (preferably a butane 1) handy and do fireballs... please watch out for alcohol mist on the floor.
A 70% isopropyl alcohol may be mixed with liquid soap as a way to cause the flame to last longer and to assist stop the alcohol from dripping. For cleaning up afterwards, rope bondage regular isopropyl alcohol will do just fine.
Placing a line of 70% isopropyl alcohol up the spine and then lighting it at the base with the spine is an outstanding way to see the blue flame and is extremely intense for the submissive.
I hope these few tips and tricks have produced fireplay a bit much less formidable but once again, please know that it Could be harmful unless the Dominant is continually vigilant.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
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2/08/2011 4:36:24 PM
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topic:
It helps to know 1st aid in this case to recognize
wailian
Posts 10
|
Fireplay : One Serious Decision
I've performed fireplay on several occasions...please NOTE here... fireplay is among the edgier sorts of play and really should NOT be attempted without having getting shown the best way to do so correctly Initially and just reading an write-up won't be sufficient. In case you DO decide to do so, you may be doing so at your OWN risk.
Fireplay can't be performed on any hairy places with the body... the most effective places are the back or the upper shoulder and all hair really should be bound up out of the way. Hairspray will need to NOT be employed as it's flammable also.
It helps to know 1st aid in this case to recognize if the burn is a severe burn or merely a reddening with the skin. Some beneficial pointers incorporate:
Initial degree or superficial: painful, slight reddening with the skin, not severe but requirements attention.
(See more articles from BDSM Store & Glass Dildo Website.)
Second degree or partial thickness: A lot more critical, mouth gags blistering of the skin, quite red, painful... do not break the blisters on the skin.
Third degree or full thickness: flesh is charred, possibly red around the charred location. This burn wants IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION... don't hesitate.
Now then, here is how I bring fireplay into a scene. Initial, I bind the bottom/submissive/slave and give them a secure hand signal which usually will consist of a raised index finger rope bondage and I use this signal whether the submissive is gagged or not. (For the purposes of ease of reading, I shall call My partners 'submissive' from this point forward.) The reason for employing a hand signal is in case the submissive can't speak or yell.
Then, I assemble My equipment which usually consists of:
A pair of steel forceps.
A number of squares of gauze, commonly two x 2 or four x 4.
A steel bowl/container.
A bottle of 70% isopropyl alcohol.
A bowl of cool water with a cloth dipped into the bowl.
A source of flame (candles or lighters work nicely)
Initial, the alcohol goes into the steel container... then the gauze is placed within the forceps plus the forceps are clamped down. Next, a little pattern (I would suggest starting out with a tiny pattern) is painted on the submissive's back or upper shoulder. Watch out for drips of the alcohol simply because as may be the wont of most points in Nature, the flame will follow the path of least resistance and if you'll find drips, there Is going to lesbian bondage be a burned submissive.
Touch the flame towards the alcohol and there will likely be a sudden "WHOOSH" of a bluish flame... immediately after the 'WHOOSH', take the cool, wet rag and spot it on the location You just burned on Your submissive to cool the burn.
This can be carried out several times but please note that you simply ARE 'burning' Your submissive so it wants to be made known if the submissive is becoming a bit... erm... charcoal broiled.
Some different techniques of fireplay are as follows:
You could fill a spray bottle with 70% isopropyl alcohol and have a lighter (preferably a butane 1) handy and do fireballs... please watch out for alcohol mist on the floor.
A 70% isopropyl alcohol may possibly be mixed with liquid soap as a way to cause the flame to last longer and to assist avoid the alcohol from dripping. For cleaning up afterwards, typical isopropyl alcohol will do just fine.
Placing a line of 70% isopropyl alcohol up the spine and then lighting it in the base with the spine is an exceptional strategy to see the blue flame and is incredibly nipple play intense for the submissive.
I hope these few ideas and tricks have produced fireplay a bit less formidable but again, please know that it Is often dangerous unless the Dominant is continuously vigilant.
(This article is from Bondage Gear & Glass Dildos Website. )
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22/05/2010 4:44:42 AM
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topic:
Perfect 4th vs Perfect 5th
taguro
Posts 4
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just imagine the twinkle twinkle little star. that's a perfect fifth.
you can also play a power chord ( which really, isn't a chord ), play the notes separately, feel the interval.
that's your perfect fifth right there.
perfect fourth sounds like "hark the herald" or "here comes the bride, baby inside"
i have a post on how to make your own relative pitch trainer.
http://ear-trainer.com/forum/messages.aspx?TopicID=5
good luck.
edited by taguro on 22/05/2010
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21/05/2010 4:22:21 AM
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topic:
home-made relative pitch trainer
taguro
Posts 4
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here's how you can use a relative pitch trainer even without touching your instrument. just record this on your phone:
play a C. let it ring. then play C#. let ring. repeat for about six times. then play them together. for guitarists. you can do this by playing on the low E string, 8th fret together with the C# on the A string, 4th fret. play them harmonically for 5 times. let ring. then, at the end of the record, mention the notes, and the interval "C...C#... minor 2nd"
name the file.
record as many minor 2nds as you can all over the fretboard. just remember to mention the name of the notes and the interval at the end of the recording.
record other intervals as well until you finish to "octave"
name the files then create playlist.
for playlists, you may want to start with minor 2nds. put all the minor 2nds in one playlist. play them chromatically in oreder until you feel comfortable with the interval.
do this with the other intervals as well. listen to each interval around fifteen minutes a day. then listen to anoter interval.
after one week, create a playlist with a "fixed root", let's say, C for example, where all the roots of the intervals is C.
put all the intervals that include C starting from minor 2nd all the way to one ovtave. listen to this for around 30 minutes before listening to another playlist with another fixed root, say, D. play the intervals in order from minor second to one octave. when you feel confident enough after listening to organized interval, randomize that "fixed root" playlist. try to name the intervals.
when you're quite comfortable with the fixed root system, put all the records in one big playlist. randomize. try to name the intervals. do this as much as you can everyday. it would be better to put your headsets on before you sleep, as you sleep, and around half an hour after you wake up. if you can tranfer the files to your ipod, better. you don't want to drain your phone's battery overnight.
by the way, if you want to record really low notes like the open low E, a pitch shifter could help. you can also use it on all of the harmonic notes. if you don't have a pitch shifter, I think you can tune the A string as a low F for minor 2nds. tune it as F# for 2nds etc. . .
this takes a lot of work, but it pays big time with results. be patient.
good luck. have fun!
edited by taguro on 21/05/2010
edited by taguro on 25/05/2010
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13/05/2010 1:52:32 PM
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topic:
your own ear-trainer
taguro
Posts 4
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for guitarists:
record this on your cellphone:
play the open low E around 6-8 times let it ring, pause for about 3 seconds then say "E"
press stop, name the file. i recommend not to use effects such as chorus, delay or reverb because it will affect the quality. let your ear get used to the "dry" sound first.
do this on the other notes chromatically. record the notes one by one until you reach the open high E.
arrange the files so that when you play it, you would hear them in order.
listen to the files before you sleep, as you sleep, and minutes after you wake up. do this for days.
after one week, randomize the playlist. try to name the notes while you're awake.
continue listening even when you're asleep. if you're having difficulty recognizing the notes, disable random play.
I'm on my first week. Good luck! Have fun!
"Sometimes , Good things are for free."
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11/05/2010 11:00:10 AM
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topic:
note quality
taguro
Posts 4
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i'm a student of perfect pitch, currently studying the note qualities. i just want to share some points that i learned.
i found out that notes sing some kind of "vowel" differences. listen closely to the notes as you play them one by one and play them repeatedly. for example:
the note C kinda immitates a "too" sound
the note E sounds like "ten" or "teen"; somewhere in between
The note F sounds like "pink" or pin or teen
the note A sounds a little like "gone"
so far, those are the points that i observed. i'm going to post more details as i learn more about notes.
edited by taguro on 11/05/2010
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26/01/2009 7:15:47 AM
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topic:
Perfect 4th vs Perfect 5th
GuitarHero82
Posts 1
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Hi,
I'm having trouble telling the perfect 4th & perfect 5th apart sometimes. My guitar teacher says it's something to do with inversions. What does that mean?
Mark
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25/01/2009 5:38:30 AM
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topic:
Welcome to Ear Trainer
EarTrainer
Posts 1
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Welcome everyone.
We hope you enjoy this website and enjoy improving your musical ear.
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pages:
1
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